3.08.2010Y
11:21 PM
I’m really very tired. I feel so drained. And that’s probably the only 2 words I can use to describe myself now. It’s kind of weird the more I talk to you. I have decided to stop and reflect. What am I thinking? Why is it so hard? It’s been awhile since I last asked myself this questions and it is awfully hard to come to any conclusion. Life is so confusing. I realized how I was simply living in a small fictional world of mine, living happily by my own fantasies and dreams which I doubt I could ever reach. The illusion was shattered on the exact moment you entered the glass sphere of my fantasy world. The shattered pieces fell apart and it certainly took its’ time before it hit me hard on the head, knocking me into reality, knocking me into what the world really is. This process I should say, have been catalyzed by a book called Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. It touched on the topic of life, death, love and the most important part, its philosophy on this world. Like it did to many readers worldwide, it has dawned the cruel fact of life onto me, a teenager turning 16th this year. For some people, the book is just another porno book with nearly half its story about how people have sex but what I saw in the book was more than what meets the eye. We live a life without much meaning to it. And what is really meaningful is what we have around us, what we have it now. The past is sometimes indeed hard to let go but we should always look at the future. The past had gone but not the future. Death is just the last part of life, where it’s when you stop whatever you are doing and relax- forever. I love this quote from the author, “Death exists, not as the opposite but as a part of life.”. Indeed, this is exceptionally true to every word here and every word is deeply imprinted in my head. Life is certainly more than what it seems to be. It is so much more complicated and exhausting. So that’s the reason why we choose to live in our smaller and simpler world.
The shattering of my small little glass sphere with your appearance is bound to take place. It’s just a matter of how long it will take. The book sped everything up and what appears before me now is the naked truth about society, how dirty it can be and yet at the same time a beautiful place to live in. It is really confusing as it is a stark contrast to each other how society can be but the beautiful irony is that both can certainly exist in the world at the exact same time. So, I should say, I’m pretty much confused because I’m like caught up in between. I don’t know how I feel for you and if I should. How much do you mean to me I wonder. I really don’t know the answer. I’m really exhausted. This blog post sucked half the life out of me and several false starts on each sentence took me nearly an hour to write this short post. I would certainly need to take time off and think carefully. It just takes time to sort out the jumbled mess and I hope I would be okay soon enough.
Nights.
P.S It had been a really long night, especially for me.
