Sometimes, why do I feel so lost? It’s like a war, chaos, darkness eating all the way deep into my heart. Sometimes, I feel so dark, so sinister, and so evil. I don’t really know why I am feeling all these and if I’m really ok if I felt all these emotions which are not emotions to begin with…

Maybe from the other side of the bridge I’m watching you but you had never noticed me. Probably that’s what makes this spiral into darkness. Or maybe is the way you say things to me, it sounds weird. Just can’t stop getting me thinking, what are you trying to say?! I know I always think too much on things and I just can’t stop. This bad habit will eventually bring the end of me I guess. When I talk to you, I need 10x more time to think and rethink what I should say, that’s because I don’t feel like saying the wrong things and hurting you. That’s why I take extra time to reply an sms to you. All girls are fragile, but you are more brittle and fragile than others. Need to hold you carefully in the hands and prevent you from dropping because if you are dropped once, you will be shattered for life.

Maybe that’s the reason why I don’t want to get closer to you. I’m scared and doubted my ability to hold you and prevent you from falling. I don’t wish to be the first to hurt you neither would I want to be the last. That’s the exact reason why I shall always watch you from behind and support you. I don’t mind whoever you go with in the end. If it’s fate, then let fate decide. Everyone’s life is a script that is prewritten even before you are born. Whatever you do and whoever you meet are just following the script. If the script says we are not fated to be together than we shall just follow as probably, I’m powerless to change it.

People tell me that I’m probably just not going for it enough. But every time you are with another guy, I mean I don’t hate that guy or anything but I just don’t know how to start. I don’t wish to spoil your relationship but I had problems with mine too. Life’s unfair. But we can do no shit to it. You choose who you want to be with and I’m fine with anything. Just come and tell me who you choose to be with. It will be really fine and nice thought. I won’t drown myself in alcohol or other stupid things that guys resort to when they cannot handle their relationship because I’m sensible and probably you won’t want to see me doing that.

When I typed this, I remembered Taeyang’s wedding dress. Although his story was a bit different from mine because I don’t really know the guy you are with but I will certainly appear at your wedding and play the piano for you. You don’t have to feel sorry for me - because I choose to do that… Maybe someday I will regret not holding on to you when I could. Maybe I will regret that why I wasn’t there with you when you are alone. Maybe I will regret why I can’t be the guy that is with you. But that, I’m not fully sure myself…

I always thought I’m strong and I will never lose to anyone if I want something. But I have lost now. I have lost to you. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t want to be trapped in this vortex of illusions. But I can’t. This vortex is so strong I can’t get out. Slowly going deeper and getting suffocated. Now I don’t even know what to talk to you about cause you don’t seems to be interested in anything. Maybe if I just disappear it will be better for both of us. I want to go, but I can’t let go. Now, I feel so lonely. Like never before, won’t someone be here to help me? Maybe that’s something I have to go through myself… Is this what I really want?